I write often, but I delete even more often. I want to keep these few happy things i'm going through for myself.

Myself.

In my Zarathustra retreat surrounded by: trees, flowers, mountains, peace, love, and solitude. I found something.
Perhaps I found myself.

I am who I am. I do what I feel, when I feel the need to do them. I speak with a light tone, a tone that carries heavy consequence, a free tongue nonetheless. I do things that benefit myself, because a wise old hermit once praised the overman. I am my own overman amongst those whom are staring at an abyss that does not stare back for them.

I do not carry a label to my name. That has recently ended. I am who I want to be, at the exact moment that I want to be it. I do not carry flags for my friends, family, nor for myself to everyday battle anymore.

I am here. I will not be here forever. So I will live until the waves of my essence subside from crashing the shores of life.

I checked my grades, I got a 3.7 gpa. I'm kinda upset about that because I thought I was going to get at least a 3.9.

Not much really to write about, just enjoying my break. Having a peaceful time here in the mountains. It is nice outside for being so close to Chrismas, it's like 50 degrees and raining. My beard is the longest it has ever been. I am my own Zarathustra, so I will see you in 10 years.

<3

Something has been brought to my attention today. Probably the greatest feeling I've felt in a long time, a feeling I haven't had since my youth at least. "Mid-Morning Comfort". I remember as a kid, maybe from the age of 4-10 being very sick all the time. Not really physically sick, but just really anti-social. I would beg my parents to let me stay home from school, because even to this day, I don't like being around a lot of people. I remember coming home about 9am, and just getting back in my pajamas, and laying in my bed. It was by far the best feeling in my past. Just laying there completely relaxed, and watching Nick Jr, more in particular, Richard Scarry's "Busy Town." I had that same feeling this morning, and before I feel asleep, I made a note to myself to write about this "Mid-Morning Comfort."

12 hours straight of Youtubing.
I Failed my math test today, but that is the one I get to eliminate. I don't do anything for school anymore. I just waste my time surfing, all day long. That and the fact that I'm fairly under the weather now.

I have just been listening to old Geekdrome episodes, and reading some of the old forums. It is really sad, but a lot of funny memories are in that past year of my life. Supposedly JLO is in the process of a "new project", and he kinda leaked it is going to be another podcast. As for DannyT, he better be doing something also, besides directing commercials every once and awhile. It made me feel a little bit better knowing I can look forward to upcoming things.

I'm seeing a lot of Christmas music around lately on myspaces. I'm starting to get excited for the holidays. The commercials are finally putting "joy" in my heart. I can't wait to go home and spend time with my family. For the first time in my life, everyone is grown up, there are no more kids. Everyone at home is a family/friends now. Before it was like Nadine talking to Greg like a kid, which he was, but now that he is older I'm starting to see that this is who we have. I'm actually really happy with it. I think it really started when Nadine, Greg, Dominica, and myself were sitting in the familyroom on Gregs birthday, after the parents (mom dad aunt uncle) were all fighting with each other. We sat there and stared at each other and talked about how this really all we have, it was a very humbling feeling.

Instead of studying for homework, I listened to Richard Dawkins talk for 3 hours about his book "the God Delusion." He is an amazing speaker, and was shooting kids/professors down left and right who opposed/attacked him. I wish more people would open their mind to personal thinking, instead of "traditional thinking." Just because your parents are Catholic/Christian/Jewish doesn't mean you have to agree or accept it. Think for yourself, and ponder if that is really what you believe. If you are anything like me, then hell no. Once I started to actually think for myself, instead of just following the beliefs of my parents, the thought of a deity was absurd. Organized religion is another matter, and an even bigger problem. So many wars, so many lives lost because of religion. "I'm right". "No, I'm right" (bombing). If anyone reads this, and wants to hear something amazing, listen to Dawkins speak, or pick up his book.

I have a headache', and I'm starting to feel the stress of things on my shoulders. I think I maybe getting sick. It was 15 degrees today, and it was snowing. It was nice to walk though the snow, and getting flakes caught in my beard. There is a big difference between walking in the cold, and walking in the cold while it is snowing out.

Geekdrome is offically no more (due to personal issues surrounding the show).

"Well, I wanna die." (reaches for a cookie, raises it to his mouth, but can't take a bite because his stomach has dropped out of his ass.)

I have lost A LOT in these 48 hours, but I'm still going to keep my positive outlook.

One More Week.

Only one more week of actual school before winter break. I have decided I'm going back to 05' Bryan, the recluse. Remember him? Probably not, because you never seen him. He's wasn't there to screw anything up, have an affect on anyone, piss anyone off. I need a break from everyone, as well as I think they need a break from me. I just feel things are very bad right now with a lot of people, and as much as I would like to help, I'm going to have to sit this one out. There isn't anything I can really do. 05' Bryan knew what was going on last year, and he did the right thing.

I have two set dates, in which I will make appearences. One is "Coffee for Kayla, Tea for Bryan." It should be sometime soon, within the next two weeks I think. The second is the New Years party. I want to hug my friends who I haven't seen for awhile.

If you wish to find me (for important matters), you know my screen name (Kennedyfinsin), my home phone [(440)988-3667)], or you can find me at Lakeview Park, in Lorain Ohio, about every other morning around 7:00am walking with a stick teasting the ice.

I will see you when I come down from the mountains.
-Zarathustra Bryan Recluse.

Walking with a stick.
Reading.
Watching.
Writing.
Solitude.

SSDD.

Things that you don't think. or don't want to think matter, actually do in the end. There really isn't a way around it.

When two people want something (them) to work, but have completely different views on life, and an overall way of life, it's a guaranteed failure.

I feel like I don't know you.
Every time we share time together, it isn't really you.
I don't want to spend time with a shell of a person.
I will meet you in our next life.
Maybe there we will be complete solids or shells together.
But, it appears not in this life.
Sorry for wasting that short time together.

3:32AM.

Well, I went to go see the Trans Siberian Orchestra tonight. My roommate bought me a ticket about a month back, and I said that I would go. There was a party in Bowling Green with some of my closest friends, but there was no way of seeing it happen because of TSO. Although it was a very good show, I much rather have gone to the party, and seeing how I don't drink or do drugs, had an observance lesson at the party.

It is pretty late, and I'm watching Friday Night Lights. Every time I watch this movie it always inspires me to do something, instead of laying around watching it. I personally think it is Explosions in the Sky, and the whole soundtrack. I don't know, the wind is crying Mary, and I'm starting to slip in the state relaxation. It is a good feeling.

When you pour yourself a glass of water, only to drink half of it. Doesn't it make you happy when you come back to it thirsty, to see it waiting for you to drink it? I know I get happy when I look over and see a half full cup of water aching to remember my lips.

It has rained from about 4pm-now, which the now is 11:49pm, and if I listen closely I can hear the soft suicide of the rain drops. I only had one class today, and it was right after the rain started. I then had to walk 8 blocks in it, only to sit in class for 30 minutes as the instructor went over what is going on next week for his final. I then walked 8 blocks back in the rain. It may sound like I'm complaining, but I'm not. I'm only telling myself what I did today, so in 2 or 4 years I can read this, on a day like today, and smile.

I was going through Myspace, and my past comments/mail. It still holds a lot of good memories, a lot of bad memories, and a lot of bad memories that I thought were good at the time, as well as a lot of good memories that I thought were bad at the time. I'm glad that I set everything right with everyone that holds part of my past. I'm glad, because now I can look back at the past as what it was, instead of what it could have been. Setting things straight with everyone gave a lot of closure, that today, the window seems to close more and more. I'm honestly, and in all sincerity, happy with where I am at in my life. My headlights are burning bright ahead of me.